Awarded to the Seven Stupidest Dwarves of Music

No, I don't normally get off to any of the songs I'm about to share with you, but they were some of the rocks to the head I've taken during my musical journey in life. I had to narrow it down to seven highlights of stupidity in song. And there are many examples I didn't include because they just would quite cut it, such as the countless works of Andy Milonakis – making dumb raps is all he does anyway. Some songs that didn't end up here were stupid but too innocent to be fully foolish like 'Badgers', 'Burger King Christmas Carrol', and 'Space People'. There were some songs that I thought were trash, but weren't quite there, like 'Hyseteria' by Cerrone. Even songs like 'Crank Dat' achieve a lot more than ones I'm about to show you – I don't care if you disagree. I've kept you waiting long enough. Let the bad trip begin.

7. 'I Am NOT My Hair' by India Arie featuring Akon.
   

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZd1KeZhjfU

   India Arie is known for keeping it real in her songs, but sometimes she keeps it a little bit too real. Man, her latest album (this song is from the one preceding it), it really crossed over into lectures done in song. Ok, this message may connect more with you, if you have nappy hair - aka it's a black subject. I'm not black, but I guess I could still wish for better hair. So what? Could you imagine anybody grooving to this song like “YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!” And what is the Akon you hear at the top of the charts doing talking about how his hair is all garbage?! This was when he was already big. Some balls he's got, but I don't think he wants to get too into it, judging by the line “Yes, India I feel you girl. Now go ahead, talk to the rest of the world.”

6. The 80's Wendy's 'Grill Skills' rap. This one teaches you how to prepare food at a Wendy's kitchen. Sorry it cuts off, but the last word is “hot!” Good ending.
   

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KIdTPS6LH4

   But here is part TWO! The beat doesn't kick until over 2 minutes in.
   

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2mWxFAndxg

   Just remember the rap, and you'll get it down pat, white boy. Anyway, like one commenter noticed, “This is why corporate video production died out as an 'art form' “.

5. El Chombo – Chacarron Macarron. This guy is from Panama, but most of the song is not in some form of Panamese.
   

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njrmL1y3ul8

   He just mumbled into his recorder in place of the verses and the production crew loved it. Songs like this catch on pretty well, and you may love it, as did I, but it got old immediately. I'm sure there are a lot of other raggaeton songs that are bring out the stupid in us, but I don't care to look for them all. Ok, 'Tra Tra' by Don Chezina is another one, but I'm not even putting it on the list.

Alright, so you may have noticed that the performers were black so far, but the bottom four I'm pretty sure aren't. Just saying...

4. The next one isn't even a “real” song, but it's an internet song so why not. I don't know how I found this one, it was a long time ago. Sing this when you're wasted, and it'll become your anthem. Also, I think the video ruins it. Here is 'Inspector Urine' by Taco the Wonder Dog.

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luRS5_TgjpI

   I didn't watch Inspector Gadget as a kid, so it had to be my friends who told me this sounds like the main theme when I played it to them. This was years ago...
   

3. This song is real though. It's at the crude heart of the Brazilian Baile Funk – which is itself their degenerate form of hip-hop. But that's just my opinion. They say you either love Baile Funk or you hate it. Créu is some slang word that's got some kind of sex meaning as you'll be able to see. The beat is sick though – and you can dance to it. That's why it's been really popular in Brazil. Mc créu - 'Dança do Créu'. You'll be hearing a lot more créu's than that.

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4f78FSSgHk

   In case you couldn't make it past half the video, that's when he brings out his ladies who show you how it's really done.

2. Oh boy, how bad could it be by now? There was a tie for second place between two internet songs and both under two minutes. I think I like the Blink 182 version of the first one better.

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OdbCLfXUV4

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wR3Q9k312xE

   Studies show that your IQ will drop by a few points every time you listen, and more if you watch. Don't worry, you'll gain it back if you try more intelligent material.
   

1. After all that, what could possibly be number one? It's another internet song, surprise! This one surpasses the retardation that the sister songs at number 2 invoke, just because it's too weird, and has no beat. You can at least do DDR to each of the above, and it's been done as I spotted in related videos. But this one - it has nothing whatsoever. It's just short and to the point. At least the ending is powerful. If you've had a nightmare after seeing a wax sculpted girl chupacabra on the internet, you might wanna shy away from this 30 second special...

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEIGk2VfPvE

   Why did I waste your time...

   
   

Well now that you've been taken through the world of moron music, you can walk away a bit wiser. Maybe. And if you know songs much stupider than the bottom four, shame on you.
Whatever the case, don't put me down as someone you'll never read on this blog again. I'll come back next time with a post that's a little more worthwhile. I gotta get some air after this. My head hurts.

If yours does too, find out how indie you are for a good break.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7f-dKaa4ucs

Andrew Jackson Jihad

Cool name right? I discovered Andrew Jackson Jihad in the fall and they really stood out against anything else I had ever heard. Formed in 2004 in Arizona, AJJ is composed of guitarist Sean Bonnette and bassist Ben Gallaty. They are known for playing drunken spur of the moment performances in a crowd of equally intoxicated students, and even parking lots. They sing incredibly offensive and original songs about laughing at retards, serial killers, and a God whose arms are burning witches. To date they have released 2 full albums, numerous EPs and splits with other bands. One of my favorite songs (people II: the reckoning) ends with a verse that mocks "mrs. Robinson." Other great songs are "I Love You" and "Rejoice." They even have an interesting cover of "two headed boy" on their myspace page. I'll put a song in the playlist to the right. But check these guys out, you will not be disappointed.

Hype it Up: Nomo - Invisible Cities

(This column  - hopefully - will serve as a means to further the music of bands that are just outside the ears of mainstream listeners, but have something phenomenal going for them. Tuneful pop, abrasive noise and everything in between; if the music is good, hype it up!)

Nomo is a band that defies standard categorization. I realize that it is incredibly popular nowadays to eschew genre labels because - heck, what do they really mean anyway? But Nomo takes classifications like jazz, krautrock, and afrobeat, throws them down and tramples them with a 5/4-on-the-floor space disco beat and a dirty electric kalimba. They throw hot soul horns on top of the math-rockiest drum loops around, and bring the funk courtesy of a nonet that knows a danceable drum pattern is just as important as lucid musical lines. Combining influences as diverse as Funkadelic, Brian Eno, Alice Coltrane, Steve Reich, and Can, the Ann Arbor collective is releasing their fourth album on May 5.

The two tracks Nomo has released from "Invisible Cities" are definitely breaking new ground for the group, and - of course - they are quality collections of sound. The title track is a jazz-funk-fusion summer groove brimming with saxophone stabs and thundering trumpets, while 'Crescent' is a meandering psychedelic flute-based number. You can almost hear the nag champa wafting through the air! 

Invisible Cities was written primarily on the road, while Nomo was supporting their last album "Ghost Rock." Elliot Bergman - the primary composer, tenor saxophonist, loop creator, and producer - shows his skill as an arranger, creating the proper, precious balance of structure, and free improvisation. Each song has a catchy hook, and then goes off the deep end with wild improvisation.

And you know a band is cool when - in the span of  a five year career - they can put their own spin on Joanna Newsom, Moondog, and Sun Ra.

Check their myspace to hear their new and old songs!

DragonForce Live at The Newport 4/27/09: A Concert Review

Can you remind me, again, why I went to this show? It could have been the epic-ness of the show, the loud fast guitar solos but I think it was just because DragonForce is AWESOME! (and I’m not ashamed to admit it)!  I have been a been a fan of metal for a  long time, I went through junior high and the majority of high school listening to Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest and the rest of the classic New Wave of British Heavy Metal bands.  My friend got me into DragonForce around 2004 and their sound immediately attracted.  They seemed like the only new band that could hearken back to the epic, over the top, fantasy themed metal that those NWOBHM bands could.  However, recently over the past year or two I branched off to new things and listened to metal on a far less frequent basis, and it was a splendid heavy metal homecoming for me. 

I went to see DragonForce with low expectations, as I had heard a number of things about the band: they’re not good live, they can’t play as fast as they can in the studio, they are cheesy up on stage, and that they’re not good live (yeah that one needed to be said twice).  However, I implore none of these are true (except maybe the cheesy one)!!  The energy the band had on stage was more energy than I have seen in any band in a long time, and unlike most metal bands that are serious on stage they actually looked they were having the time of their lives!  But most importantly they could play their instruments, and play they did.  ZP Theart (vocals) constantly sprayed water on the crowd, while twin lead guitarists, Herman Li and Sam Totman, dueled out their solos while mocking each other.  Vadim Pruzhanov may be the most enthusiastic keyboard player in the world today, especially when he got behind his key-tar (yes, that’s right a key-tar!)!  His keyboard solo was one of the most energetic keyboard solos ever, hands down; from doing a jig to playing with his tongue it was inspiring to say the least.    

If one word could describe DragonForce live it would be “over the top” (yeah, I know it’s three words).  Hilarious stage antics raged from a drunken comedic routine between Li and Totman broken up only to play the band’s most popular song (thanks to Guitar Hero) “Through the Fire and the Flames.”  There were even moments during slower sections of some songs where the band members spun around like ballerinas.  The band also knew how to control a crowd; from hand clapping to chanting the show was everything a Heavy Metal concert should be.  The only flaw was probably from the crowd.  It seemed as though a majority of the crowd was there to see the band with the “hardest” song in Guitar Hero.  It seemed as though some people had no clue what to do and ended up just standing there immune to the force of the music being played for them.  On the other half some people only wanted to mosh…throughout the entire concert!  Being a fan of the genre I can understand the want to mosh, but my only comment is moderation people, moderation.

Overall I was very pleased with my decision to go, and I would go again in a heartbeat, this show raised my respect for DragonForce on a technical level and a showmanship level.

UGK- Ridin' Dirty

Ugk is one of my favorite rap groups of all time, and Ridin' Dirty, released in 1996, is my favorite southern rap album ever. With Pimp C's perky hi-hats, twangy guitars, and lazy, pounding bass, UGK embodied an organic southern sound, different from the east and west coast production styles that dominated the hip-hop landscape. Bun B's calm, booming authority perfectly balances Pimp C's brash “don't give a f*ck” persona, and the partners-in-rhyme pass live-instrumented, funky and soulful tracks back and forth, tearing them to shreds. With a song titled “Murder”, and Pimp C spittin' hooks like: “You ain't never seen, how a pimp be rollin' so clean. Fly women and fancy things, fly b*tches and pinky rings” it would seem safe to assume that UGK stick to their bread and butter of gunplay, drugs, materialism, and women, but the most captivating thing about Ridin' Dirty, is that the pathos behind the album is much deeper and complex than that. The first track of the album “One Day”, has Pimp, whose friend's child died in a house fire asking god: “why you let these killers live and take my homeboy's son away?” In “Diamonds and Wood” Pimp laments: “we all lost children, praisin' paper, smokin' our life away.” UGK paint a vivid picture of their environment, and express the pain of being trapped in a cycle of poverty. On the pivotal, second-to-last song “Hi-Life”, Bun B's frantic, emotional verse spills into the chorus, as he finishes: “to get the high life” while the crooning hook comes in. His verse on this song, is one of my favorite verses ever. Bun, usually level-headed and detached from emotion, sends shivers down the spine with: “Because it ain't like they make high levels gainable, and that punk piece of American pie, just ain't obtainable.”, and “I'm going through a phase you don't grow out, until you a reason a motherf*cker gots to pour out, his 40 on the curb disturbed....” While Ridin' Dirty does celebrate the southern pimp/drug dealer way of life, it desperately searches for alternatives, other paths to success, but crushingly fails to find any. Pimp C speaks of the toll his lifestyle takes on him: “My conscious f*ck with me so much that I can't eat or sleep, the other side sellin' dope, and out there runnin' the streets. And even though I'm gainin' street fame comin' from the rap game, lustful thinkin' and compulsive drinkin' is not my thing.” UGK somehow balance the their aggressive gangster charisma with thoughtful examinations of their environment, and its effect on them. Ridin' Dirty is a masterpiece. And not just a southern rap masterpiece, an album that for me, is one of the best rap albums ever.

Times New Viking played at the South Campus gateway Friday, and I missed the first half of the show since they started a half-hour early, but what I did see, was awesome. TNV are a Columbus band who have just recently gotten relatively indie-famous this past year, and even put out an album on Matador. They play pop songs with a broken drum, boy-girl vocals and gallons of fuzz poured on top of everything. On multiple occasions during the show, Adam, the drummer, put the microphone in his mouth, and made what sounded like a hybrid between grunting and humming, because after all, it's hard to talk in words with a microphone in your mouth. Anyway, Times New Viking is pretty cool, the show was cool, and if you're into any of the fuzzy bands that have started getting attention in the past two years, you better check TNV out, because they're better than most of those bands, and they give less of a f**k, which is important because apathy means they're cool. Here's a good way to start. They're from the 614 so show some love.

Good Music, Bad People: Wilco Concerts

On Friday the 17th, I was excited to attend my second Wilco concert - excited, but wary. Losing my Wilco concert virginity had taught me that once everybody gets crammed in, those you're with may not treat you as expected, and things are going to get pretty sweaty before you get out.

Don't worry, I am just talking about concert goers.

I hate to generalize, because all sorts of audiences act badly. Some old lady with half a lung will be permanently coughing over the quietest parts of a piano sonata, comatose hipsters will silently puff on their cigarettes during a powerful Sonny Rollins cover, and the half human, half sequoia creature will always lumber into position directly between you and the stage. But Wilco, with such beautiful music and stellar performances, somehow attract the most annoying audiences known to man. I'll give you the rundown on just a few of the most frustrating Wilco fans that bore like weevils through the pleasantness of your own concert experience.

The Pouty Paula: The least annoying of the annoying audience members. This girl doesn't move, sway, smile, or bother raising her hands in applause. Music doesn't affect Pouty Paula, as she was probably either dragged to the concert by her boyfriend, or dumped by her boyfriend an hour ago. She's not having a good time, and she wants you to know it. Luckily, Pouty Paula is usually sitting down and thus very easy to see over.

The Dancing Cowboy: Though not necessarily from a rural area, this guy probably drives a truck full of Toby Keith cds. Wilco's slight guitar twang hooked the cowboy like the smelly catfish he speared earlier down at the crick. Instead of cowboy boots, he probably is wearing a more college friendly polo shirt, but he is always identifiable by the folded baseball cap sticking out of his pants. Dancing Cowboy's downfall derives not from his personal tastes, but by the combination of his large frame, frightening enthusiasm for all things Wilco, and insatiable desire to dance. On the bright side, it is quite amusing to see your friend cornered by the Cowboy in the middle of "Shot In The Arm." Watch out for those elbows; they strike like cobras!

The Drunken Ladies: Midway through "Red-Eyed and Blue," you'll probably hear some cackling. A quick scan of the surrounding audience will reveal two or three ladies too young to resort to E-Harmony, but definitely too old to go to the college bar they're attending after the show. During dramatic moments of the loveliest songs, these women will compare how many shots they took an hour ago and discuss their favorite chasers. Tip: Shut these women up by turning toward them with a finger posed by your smiling lips, and gently shushing them. They will mock you, but part of them will be shamed into a calm, submissive state. I learned that via personal experience as a shusher and, I think, also from The Dog Whisperer.

Shouting Man: Not really a man, but more of an ambient spirit, a poltergeist specializing in obnoxiousness. From varying corners come rude shouts of misplaced enthusiasm. Just like with stalkers, obsessive adoration and loyalty will lead them to yell unnecessary encouragement to the band along with aggressive insults to audience members who aren't as obnxiously exuberant as they are. One Shouting Man standing near me irreverently yelled, "You're a poet, Tweedy" with every opportunity his throat allowed. The extrodinary Jeff Tweedy, as frustrated as every other non-shouter, turned to this Shouting Man during "Misunderstood" with a patronizing look and sang pointedly, "You know you're just a mama's boy/ Postively unemployed," finishing sarcastically with "You're so misunderstood." It was GLORIOUS.

Worshiping Wally: No matter how much you enjoy the concert, Worshiping Wally enjoys it more. He's ferociously dancing, he's speaking in tongues, he's pounding against the edge of the stage like a wildebeast. Wally is having a genuinely awesome time - but somehow, it's making you uncomfortable. How can anyone possibly be that happy? Someone else's joy is putting a damper on your good time, and the guilt you feel for being angry with Worshiping Wally is somehow his fault too.

Consider this a warning, a guide to prepare you for the Wilco experience that perhaps lies ahead. However, please don't let the irritating idiosyncracies of the Wilco crowd frighten you from an absolutely astounding concert. The legions of dedicated fans, crazy as they may be, allow for Wilco's freedom in choosing setlists, experimenting within each performance, and also seem to have instilled a responsibility in Wilco to play lengthy, earnest, powerful shows. Wilco members boast a light hearted yet musically seamless rapport made possible by dedicated years of making music, underscored by real friendship. The incredible performances are complemented by setlists that please the audience but seem to excite Wilco as well; of course the band will get around to fan favorite "I'm The Man Who Loves You," but may suprise with a seemingly random selection off of 1996's Being There. And of course, each song is full of unexpected twists, mostly due to guitarist Nels Cline and his electrifying energy (drummer Glenn Kotche deserves a mention in the energy category, as well).

Next time Wilco comes around, learn some anger management techniques and dive into the crowd. You definitely need to see Jeff Tweedy up close- it's both inspring and terrifying.

Highlights at my first Wilco concert: opener Andrew Bird, Jeff's white Graceland-esque suit, Nels flying through the air after tripping, Impossible Germany, Outtasite (Outta Mind), Company In My Back, Forget the Flowers, Hummingbird, Wishful Thinking

Highlights at last Friday's concert: semi-gypsy alt. rock opening band A Hawk and a Hacksaw (comprised of tuba, violin, accordion, and flugelhorn), drummer Glenn standing on his little drum seat as the lights go crazy, Red-Eyed and Blue, Spiders (Kidsmoke), Muzzle of Bees, Side With the Seeds, Misunderstood, You Are My Face, Handshake Drugs, I'm a Wheel, and of course, I'm The Man Who Loves You

One of the best parts: Nels!